Day 7: Reflection

I hit a little bump in the road.  Last night was a little rough for me.  Not all of it was rough.  Mar and I went to a BBQ and movie night at Britton's place.  Met new people, played some games, had some laughs.  It didn't hit me until I had climbed into bed and was ready to welcome sleep.  Sleep didn't come.  Instead the tears came.  I thought I was past this.  This unknown, confusion, fear, this NOT having a plan.  For the past couple months I've told myself that I would survive until Utah and then Utah would be a time to have fun and just forget about life for a little bit before I have to figure out what the heck to do with myself.  But now I'm here.  In Utah.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks last night that I have 4 weeks.  4 weeks until I need to have something figured out.  4 weeks until I need to know where I'm going to live.  4 weeks until I need a job.  4 weeks until I need a plan.  I HATE not having a plan, although every day I tell myself that it's a new adventure and I don't really need a plan.  I had myself fooled until last night.  

So today was a day of reflection.  What do I want?  What do I need?  I just want to be happy.  I have had a fabulous first week here.  I have been reunited with friends.  There are new friends who welcomed me on my first day, who were willing to like me without even knowing me.  Marisa's family has taken me in, fed me, let me sleep on the plush cloud, and welcomed me.  I should be happy.  And I am, in a way.  But I'm not HAPPY.  I'm still crying myself to sleep.  Which is super uncomfortable and makes me look awful in the morning! (Thank goodness for makeup!)  So I am trying to figure out what will make me happy and how can I get there.  Because I want to be there so badly.  I want to be out of this weird funk!  A funk that I thought I had left behind a couple months ago.  I want to enjoy the journey and be happy now.  I can't tell myself that I'll be happy when everything has worked out.  Because it's been a year now and nothing is worked out.  I can't go another year like this.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer.  You don't even have to keep reading, you may have stopped sentences ago.  But I forgot my journal and I needed to get this out of my head and out into the void ("Good night dear void"   Guess that movie!)If you're still here then you are probably one of the people who still believes in me.  Thank you for that faith because some days it's others' belief in me that keeps me going.  Because on the bad days I don't have a whole lot of faith in myself and this plan I can't see.  I just want to do what God wants me to do.  I'm trying my best to figure it out.  

I will end on a good note.  I had a pretty good night playing Phase 10 and Human Twister.  I had a lot of laughs!  I am so grateful for these people who have accepted me into their group and made me feel apart.  The Lord has blessed me so much through the people He has placed in my life.  I am truly blessed!